Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I needed a laugh this morning.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names