Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Love this one 😂🧟
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care