me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Left at a local drug store…
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Awwwww shit.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists