My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?