Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Practicing safe sax
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.