I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese