Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Poetry is my passion
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.