Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Had an epiphany today.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.