Thou shalt not commit adulthood
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!