Thou shalt not commit adulthood
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
i baked you a cake
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
they really do be looking like this
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]