Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
You Might Also Like
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Oh thanks BBC.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”