Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
broke down and did it
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”