“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆