Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The answer is funnier than the question
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.