@neiltyson: Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall -- scale reads zero
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@CaniacMONK: My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
@13spencer: People who like "The Bachelor" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.