Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The funk soul brother
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed