Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
me linking you to my twitter
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.