Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.