Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I put the hot in psychotic.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff