Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell