I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’