[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.