God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]