Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me