Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.