Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn