*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.