Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”