Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
what
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm