Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
You Might Also Like
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.