There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?