Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.