Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Important reminders
Its a hippotatomus
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
💁🏻♂️
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”