me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building