throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey