@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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@MUMSIEesq: Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids' most annoying toys in the trunk.
@KentWGraham: I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
@Playing_Dad: [Job interview] Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus? Interviewer: Holy shit