@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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@_ISpeakTrue: Guys aren't the only one who get friendzoned! I'm so deep in the friendzone that I've met his girlfriends parents
@wickedsuga: I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
@jergarl: Me: I'm so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I'll help... Hey don't forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you're snow! Me: K
@brunopieroni: How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications: 1) Open Facebook app 2) Go to Settings 3) Throw your phone into a river