I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.