*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.