*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The first one, obviously
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.