*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done