[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?