[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Seems kinda suspicious
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.