therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won