[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble