[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.