*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
You Might Also Like
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
channeling her this year
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right