Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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Saturday
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.