*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.