thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine