TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I have so many questions.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.