Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
You Might Also Like
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
A wise man once said nothing.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.